I Wish I Had The Courage To…
(I Wish You Were Mine- alternate take)
Mollie Carrington wasn’t entirely sure what was happening to her the day Madison came for dinner at the penthouse. Even though Maddie made it abundantly clear that the dinner was not, in fact, the promised sister catch-up she’d made it out to be, and she’d attempted to avoid the awkward interaction at dinner, now, Mollie was actually mad at herself for it.
This sudden wave of boldness surprised her. No more than five minutes before, she’d felt sick to her stomach and conflicted as hell over the situation between her sister and Jackson, then Mollie’s own relationship with Jackson… even though, to be fair, their relationship was a friendship first and foremost…
But lying on her bed well after midnight, Mollie snapped out of the awkward blur that was the evening in question and decided that thinking about a subject was all fine and good. But, sometimes actions were more important.
She decided that this was silly, tormenting herself imagining what it would be like if Madison and Jackson reunited. It was also silly for her to be stressing over whether or not Jackson was suddenly feeling something for her. For one thing, with everything that happened between Maddie and Jackson, and the way she treated him, Mollie had to admit it was highly unlikely that such a thing as the two of them getting back together would ever happen. The only reason she even thought that was because Maddie loved to imply it. She loved to make it seem like nothing really happened between herself and Jackson but a simple misunderstanding, or that it was all Jackson’s fault when Mollie knew that wasn’t so.
Another thing to consider, on the latter point, was that she couldn’t naturally expect Jackson to behave the way she wanted him to. To be honest, she wasn’t sure if he felt anything at all for her… but it seemed that way. Perhaps she wanted it too much. She’d loved him for years when she knew she couldn’t have him. That wasn’t his fault. She couldn’t blame him for anything that happened. If anything, if he did feel something for her, then she sincerely wished he would make up his mind because this back and forth was killing her.
It dawned on her after a while of contemplation that perhaps the best thing she could do for her own sanity, was to get it out in the open. So, she got out of bed, went to the mirror in the bathroom, made sure she looked ok, and then inhaled a few calming breaths, attempting to settle her nerves.
And with that, Mollie walked out of her room and down the hall to Jackson’s room. Before she could lose her nerve, Mollie rapped on his door. She wasn’t sure what she expected him to do. But it certainly wasn’t him getting up and answering his door as if he expected her. More than likely, he didn’t expect her, but perhaps he couldn’t sleep either. Mollie wasn’t sure, but she had to tell him what she wanted to tell him.
Before she could say anything, however, Jackson asked how she was feeling.
She’d feigned an upset stomach to get out of the dinner with Maddie and Jackson earlier, so this wasn’t unexpected. That was one thing Mollie could count on Jackson for… he cared about her. She had no doubts about that.
“It was touch and go for a while, but I pinpointed why I had the stomach ache, and I think once I clear the air, I’ll feel better.”
“Ok? Well, I’m glad you’re feeling a little better, babe. Of course, I have to say that I really wish you’d been out there. It wouldn’t have been so boring to be honest.”
There was something in the way he said that- it made her feel that he meant more than what had actually come out of his mouth…
However, she couldn’t let it distract her from what she wanted to do. She wanted to confront him and find out if he actually felt something for her or not.
Of course, as soon as she made up her mind to do this, Mollie became aware of the fact that Jackson was only in boxers and she was in tiny pajamas. No time to think about that. Time to focus.
“Jackson, I may be mistaken, and correct me if I’m wrong… but, since I’ve moved in, there are times when you seem to… I don’t know… look at me differently… like more than a friend and an ex sister-in-law. But then the next minute, it’s back to friendship, and then a gaze lasts a moment too long, or a hug starts to feel fraught with meaning. This could be all in my head. Perhaps I just am making a mountain out of a molehill simply because I care so deeply for you, and want us to be together- even if it’s completely unrealistic for me to think someone like you would ever want to be with me…This is probably making you uncomfortable and I apologize. But after lying in bed for hours torturing myself and wondering whether or not you might still love Maddie… or if something is going on between the two of us…wouldn’t the hardest thing to do, telling you how I feel- be the easier path to take? Regardless of what your answer is…”
Jackson’s face went from confused to conflicted, but then finally, to her utter shock and relief, landed on happiness.
He pulled her close, stroked her hair, and pressed soft kisses to her cheeks. Then, he lifted her chin so their eyes met.
“Mollie, Maddie is completely in the past. I don’t love her anymore. I agreed to nothing as far as a relationship with her goes. And I will never want to be with her again. She hurt me in a way that I can’t even express. I didn’t simply wake up one day and decide
I didn’t want to be with her anymore… or that I’d made a horrible mistake marrying her. Now, perhaps admitting it was more like that. But it was barely a month after we were married that I realized that perhaps I’d married the wrong Carrington sister… But at the time, I was conflicted. I knew that I loved Maddie and that I’d made a commitment, and I didn’t really want to go through a divorce…so I stayed… but after the cheating and Maddie divorcing me, and the accident, I didn’t know what to do… But I want to tell you something, Molls…” he kissed her cheek. “You’re the reason I’m in New York and not somewhere else…”
The shock must have been evident on her face because Jackson got a little grin on his handsome face.
“I wasn’t exactly sure at the time why I was doing it, but it’s become clear to me that I shouldn’t take what we have for granted. I guess the reason I kept going hot and cold on you was that I sort of forgot how to have fun and laugh, and feel confident that the woman I admire and love actually feels the same for me. I was afraid of getting hurt again. And you’ve always meant so much to me that if anything were ever to happen to tear us apart, it would ruin me emotionally. You’re my rock… But now, I guess, I would be doing both of us a disservice not to go for it. After all, something led us here, to each other… and I want to find out what that is.”
“So, where does this leave us?” Mollie asked, voice trembling- afraid to hear his response, but hoping for one just the same.
In answer, Jackson pulled her closer, Mollie’s body against his hard chest, warm and inviting. A gentle hand behind her neck, tilting her chin so his mouth could claim hers in a searing, possessive kiss. Mollie’s heart leapt, and she could do nothing but kiss him back, hands roaming his arms, his back, his shoulders, finally ending up in his hair. His hand roamed her shoulders, back, hips, over her stomach, playing with the hem of her camisole. The kiss went on until neither one could breathe and finally, his forehead rested against hers as they both regained their composure.
“Holy shit, Mollie! It’s as if I’ve never been kissed before you.”
Those words rang so true that Mollie almost didn’t know how to process them.
She kissed him again. First his lips, then the base of his throat, then over the scar on his right shoulder from his surgery.
The latter, at first seemed to make Jackson uncomfortable, but when she murmured that she was sorry that he had to go through all the pain of the last year, but that it had put him on a path to her, and she was grateful, he lightened up and kissed the top of her head.
“You’re better than I deserve, Mollie.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I know you don’t and that’s why it’s true.”
Since it was so late, they were both tired. There was too much to discuss for the moment, and they wanted to have clear heads in which to do it. So, Jackson simply guided her to the bed beside him, spooned together- puzzle pieces fitting perfectly. This was what she’d always wished for.
Chapter 2
Jackson Burke heard the trilling and beeping of his alarm clock. Normally, he got up a little before five and went to the gym before showering, dressing and heading to work. However, this was not one of those days. Mollie was beside him. Mollie Carrington. The woman that he’d recently realized meant more to him than anything else. The woman he loved. Despite the conversation they’d had last night, Jackson was relatively certain that Mollie had missed the part where he said he loved her. Sure, she seemed to catch the rest of what he was saying, but not, evidently the ‘L’ word. Now, to most people, if they’d uttered that four letter word to a romantic interest and the other person didn’t say it back, it might seem to imply that that person didn’t feel the same.
Something told Jackson that wasn’t the case with Mollie. After all, hadn’t Mollie been the one to come in here last night to talk to him about feelings?
Why would she do that if there was nothing between them on her end?
Mollie stirred next to him, and Jackson watched her eyelids flutter open. She seemed to recognize that she wasn’t in her room, and looked over at him with a smile.
“I’m glad I wasn’t dreaming.” She told him.
“Me too.” He chuckled lightly. “How’d you sleep, babe?” Jackson kissed her temple, loving the scent of her hair, her skin, the sweetness of her.
“Just marvelously. After all, I am loved by the man I’ve always wanted…” Mollie’s hand stroked his cheek. And then she said it, and the words were so beautiful that his heart leapt.
“I love you. I’ve always, always loved you.”
He smiled; cheeks warm with what he figured was a blush… no one made him blush. No one until Mollie. What had he done to deserve this woman’s love? Jackson wasn’t sure, but he knew that he had to lock this down. He had to take a leap of faith and ask if she wanted them to date. It felt so awkward… like high school all over again. Except he was older and wiser now… and looking for more than a date to the prom or to get lucky in the bed of a truck down at the lake… this was serious…
See, even though them talking about their relationship in this way, and him realizing that he felt the way he felt was new; Jackson could see, upon careful reflection- that Mollie had always been important. And even on his damn wedding day, he’d had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. He’d pushed it away, thought it was nonsense until suddenly there he was with Maddie, arguing about her chronic self-involvement and her yelling at him for never wanting to do anything fun… and that feeling intensified, only slightly quelled whenever Mollie was there. She’d become his rock. And admittedly, he’d leaned on her a little too much. Somehow, Jackson felt guilty all this time for all that he must have put her through, but the only reason he didn’t mention it was the fact that Mollie didn’t seem to mind.
She was currently tracing the lines of his chest with her fingertips, lips planting a kiss over his heart. Jackson’s breath caught and he gently took her left hand, bringing it to his lips. “Will you be my girlfriend? My home…”
Her bright blue eyes watered and her smile nearly touched her eyes. “Of course I will.”
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