Everything I Ever Wanted
An Alternate take on I Wish You Were Mine
Chapter 1
Mollie Carrington flopped on her bed, exhausted from the day and all its struggles. As soon as she’d gotten home, she’d changed into yoga pants and a comfortable, loose-fitting t-shirt. Comfort was key right now.
Lately, her mind had been tortured by this proximity to someone she’d been in love with for almost a decade. Before, when Jackson Burke was married to her sister, Madison- Mollie had been able to force away the feelings and shove them somewhere out of the way. But now that they were divorced and living in different time-zones, those shields were down… And once Mollie moved in with the man, things got all weird and intense. Mollie used to analyze every gesture, every word of their conversations for hidden meaning even though she knew there hadn’t been any hidden meaning…
It was simple delusion…
But now, Jackson seemed to look at her differently. And he was in New York… Something about him moving to the big city and away from Texas shocked Mollie to her core. He’d sort of told her why he was here. She knew he got a job at Oxford Magazine… and that he wanted to get away from Madison. That much was clear.
Was there more to it though? Mollie desperately wanted to know if there was.
She listened to the noise of Manhattan for a few moments, willing her brain to move onto the next order of business.
When she was moving in, and she asked him to set her up with one of his colleagues- Mollie knew she’d done it in an effort to force herself to concentrate on something but Jackson. But his hesitance to set her up with anyone was interesting. Sure, Mollie’d gotten the feeling that because of everything that had happened over the past year, Jackson was hurting. He was angry, and perhaps slightly depressed. Or at least blue… His entire life had been upended. She got that. He seemed to look at this new life in New York as an escape mechanism, but only a temporary one… He didn’t make an effort to like his new stomping grounds. He didn’t make an effort to make friends or find favorite restaurants in town… Jackson was refusing to make it home.
That was a big reason why he wouldn’t want to set her, an old friend- up on a date with someone he didn’t know all that well… but Mollie, against all her best judgement felt that perhaps there was more to it than that. She felt a crackle of electricity whenever they were together… a sizzle of awareness. To her, it was pretty clear that Jackson had realized that she was no longer just a girl… but a woman… but was that all there was? Probably… thinking otherwise would lead Mollie to some dangerous places. Her heart couldn’t afford that.
One thing Mollie was glad of was the fact that she hadn’t believed the media or Madison’s lie that Jackson had been unfaithful while they were married. It never rang true to Mollie, no matter how much her sister swore it was true.
In a quiet moment after the movers had gone on moving day; Mollie had fixed some grilled cheese for the both of them… the only thing she really was good at fixing- and she forced herself to ask him.
Of course, it was uncomfortable for both of them, but he seemed to appreciate that she didn’t just believe what everyone else said… that she believed in him.
“It never felt true.” She’d admitted. And even though she expected him to feel betrayed when she admitted that there was an occurrence when Jackson and Madison were married where all evidence pointed to Madison getting it on with Mollie’s grad school boyfriend, Sean; Jackson just shrugged off the being cheated on part.
“Not surprising.” He’d said, and then added, “I’m sorry, Mollie.”
“It’s ok. He was hardly The One… it’s more that Maddy would do that to me, and to you.”
Jackson had nodded. “It’s not surprising, but it’s definitely hurtful.”
“I kind of think that I’ve just been giving her a pass because of her helping to raise me… but to be honest, I don’t think I have the energy anymore.”
To her surprise, Jackson had taken her hand in his much larger on and squeezed it. “I might be biased against Madison because of everything… but I’ve long-since thought that you breaking away from your sister would make you ultimately happier.”
That stuck in her head a bit.
Mollie wasn’t sure how long she’d been lying there thinking about Jackson and all the subtle shifts in their relationship over the years. But she got her answer when she heard a soft rap on the doorjamb.
She hadn’t bothered to close her door, and so she just sat up.
“Anything wrong?” Jackson asked.
She wanted to say that there was nothing… but that would be a lie, and perhaps it was better to just be honest- even if it cost her the recent happiness she’d found.
With a deep breath, Mollie began by telling him that he should probably get comfortable first, that it was kind of a long story. Jackson still looked concerned, but nodded. “I’ll be back.” He told her.
Mollie decided that she should prepare something for them to eat since it was late on a Friday night.
She wasn’t much of a cook, but she made a killer grilled cheese, so after seeing that there was an adequate array of supplies, she began, running over everything she had to tell Jackson. She might have to tell him to try not to say anything until she was through speaking for fear that if she stopped, she’d get sidetracked. And Mollie needed to talk about this. It needed to get resolved one way or the other.
She was about halfway through making the grilled cheese when Jackson came back out.
“You didn’t have to cook.” He said in a tone which told Mollie that while he meant what he said, he was happy she’d thought of it.
“I wanted to.”
Since grilled cheese was pretty easy, and Mollie had made it more times than she could count, it didn’t take all her brain power, so Mollie took a deep breath, looking over at the man she loved, inhaling a breath which was shakier than she wanted it to be.
He looked concerned, but Jackson didn’t say anything, instinctively knowing that now wasn’t the time.
“We’ve known each other a long time, Jackson… and I don’t keep much from you because you’ve been such a good friend to me… but there is one thing I’ve never been able to say to you. In a way, it’s a good thing because you were with my sister, and I’m not that girl… plus, the whole thing is sort of ludicrous.”
Jackson was still bracing himself for whatever was coming, and Mollie was still working with the buttery bread.
Mollie almost didn’t continue, but forced herself because she’d started this. She needed to finish it.
“You were the first guy who was nice to me… and while I’ve had male friends other times, and even some short-lived boyfriends, none of them have treated me even one fourth as well as you have. Of course, I know you’re a pretty nice guy… a Texas gentleman… its in your nature, so it shouldn’t have spurred this in me, but sometimes, my imagination runs away with me…”
Mollie needed to keep doing something with the grilled cheese… she layered some Monterey Jack cheese on the crusty baguette Jackson had picked up on the way home, at least that’s how she thought it’d gotten to the apartment.
She watched the man out of the corner of her eye, seeing that his face looked both concerned and perhaps hopeful? Mollie couldn’t let herself think about what that meant. She plunged deeper into what she had to say.
“Jackson, I’m in love with you… I’ve always been, pretty much from the first time we met.” Mollie didn’t look at him as she said this and added, “I thought it was a crush at the time, hoped it was, but, nope… not a crush.”
Unintentionally, Mollie caught a glance of Jackson’s face when she said that. He looked shocked, but not unhappy.
“For years, while Maddy and you were married, I forced myself not to think of you that way. I tried to think of you like a brother, but it never really worked, especially when everything started coming apart at the seams. It was probably a good thing I went to New York for grad school… but I admit that I felt like I’d abandoned you. Even though as Madison’s sister, I felt I had an obligation to feel like I’d abandoned her too, but I got the feeling she preferred that I was away… Perhaps she already resented me… I’ve sort of gotten that feeling…” She trailed off putting the sandwiches together.
Mollie wanted to keep talking, but words didn’t come until she’d gotten out two plates and plopped the grilled cheese on them, getting out some beer for Jackson and white wine for herself.
Finally, she burst out, “Something’s different between us lately, and I think we’ve both felt it, but I don’t know if I can trust myself. All my life I’ve tried to do the right thing… done one thing when I wanted to do another… told myself that what I want isn’t what I want… or that somehow, I don’t deserve it. But should I keep living that way?”
Mollie felt tears stinging her eyes, and they began to trickle out of her. “Great, Mollie… make him think you’re a crazy groupie stalker…” she muttered under her breath. It was so soft that she didn’t think he heard her. But in a moment, he pulled her to him. “I don’t think that.”
They were close, but not too close.
When he didn’t say anything else, she took a step back. “I must be crazy. I mean, perhaps I’ve just been in a one-sided love affair for such a long time that I don’t know real from pretend anymore. Maybe I’m making up this ‘chemistry’ we seem to have.” She put air-quotes around the word chemistry.
To her surprise, Jackson took a step towards her. Mollie sucked in a breath, blinked her eyes, brain on high-alert. Something was happening.
Chapter 2
Jackson Burke knew that in this moment, after listening to Mollie’s statement, hearing her declaration of love, that he needed to respond in some way. Now, he’d gotten the feeling at the beginning of this talk that this might be coming, but he never expected that the whole freaking time he’d known her, Mollie had been harboring feelings for him.
A part of Jackson; the part who’d been cheated on and disillusioned by the accident and the lies about his character- didn’t believe in love. He kept telling himself that true love didn’t exist. He’d told himself that Mollie was off-limits even though they were both single. But he’d moved to New York because she was there… and he remembered several times when the thought had popped into Jackson’s head that he should have married Mollie instead of Madison. He recalled all those times when Madison had been out with the girls again and it was just him and Mollie grilling steaks or binging movies. And her moving in, it felt natural- for the most part. He’d listened to everything she said, and now, he had a few things to say of his own.
She was saying, . “I must be crazy. I mean, perhaps I’ve just been in a one-sided love affair for such a long time that I don’t know real from pretend anymore. Maybe I’m making up this ‘chemistry’ we seem to have.”
He took a step closer to her. And not just physically, he decided mentally that he needed to take the leap as well.
Jackson took her in his arms and kissed her. He kissed Mollie Carrington, and it felt better than any other kiss he’d ever had. “You’re not crazy, Mollie. There’s definitely something between us. I’ve been forcing it down because I don’t deserve you. You’re too good. And even though I moved to New York to be near you, I wasn’t man enough to make a move on you. I also was looking at this move the wrong way. I was using it as an escape. I was planning on going back as soon as I got my life together… but perhaps that’s not what I should do. Just about every aspect of my life is conspiring to make me change my life and my habits… if that’s the case, maybe it’s for the best. I’ve devoted much of my life to football, and I was damn good at it, but perhaps it isn’t the only thing I can be good at… I can be a kick-ass journalist. And perhaps, if you’ll have me, I can be yours…”
The expression on Mollie’s face was pure shock mingled with joy. Jackson kissed her again.
Prior to this moment, even though Jackson knew that there was something between himself and Mollie; he hadn’t exactly known what it was. He hadn’t wanted to tell Mollie he loved her if he wasn’t certain that he did.
It wouldn’t be fair to the girl who’d loved him unconditionally for nearly a decade. But, seeing the happiness in her eyes, and feeling the silkiness of her perfect skin, breathing in the clean, sweet scent of her, it did funny things to his gut.
And he knew in that moment that he definitely was in love with Mollie Carrington.
Jackson tilted her chin up so their eyes locked. “I should have realized it a long time ago… but hopefully it’s not too long … for me to tell you that I love you too. You’ve always been special to me, but now, somehow- you’re everything.”
Mollie’s eyes filled with what he assumed were happy tears and she threw her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek, then his lips. “I was so afraid that I’d go and say all this, and it would ruin our friendship.”
“Just added a new element.” He grinned.
They relaxed then, sitting down at the dining room table, eating their grilled cheese. “This is good.” He told her, meaning it.
“I wish I was better at cooking, but to be honest, it’s just never really been something I could put my mind to.”
“Probably too many animal mating ritual facts in your head.” Jackson teased, tousling her blond waves.
“Wouldn’t be surprised.” She chuckled, taking a sip of her wine.
They talked off and on throughout the evening, some of it important, most of it just easy, casual conversation. But they talked about deeper things too. Jackson had never felt so comfortable in all his life. He realized in the course of this evening that loving Mollie, knowing Mollie had made him a better person.
Now, it was late into the evening, and Jackson knew that both he and Mollie were tired. It’d been a long day.
They should go to bed. Now, he asked himself a question. Did he want them to just go their separate ways now? Him go to the Master Bedroom and she go to the guest room at the end of the hall? The answer ultimately was no.
So, a little tentatively, since Mollie wasn’t just any woman, Jackson decided it was best to bite the bullet and just define the relationship. A large part of it was out of the way due to the simple fact that the L word had been spoken already by both of them. But there was still a bit of ground to cover.
She’d mentioned before that she would have been reluctant to believe anything could happen with them even after having the feeling that something could happen with them. The reason for that was how he regarded his life in New York… as a temporary thing.
In part, they’d trodden upon this ground, but only in part.
They should go to bed. Now, he asked himself a question. Did he want them to just go their separate ways now? He go to the Master Bedroom and she go to the guest room at the end of the hall? The answer ultimately was no.
So, a little tentatively, since Mollie wasn’t just any woman, Jackson decided it was best to bite the bullet and just define the relationship. A large part of it was out of the way due to the simple fact that the L-word had been spoken already by both of them. But there was still a bit of ground to cover.
She’d mentioned before that she would have been reluctant to believe anything could happen with them even after having the feeling that something could happen with them. The reason for that was how he regarded his life in New York… as a temporary thing.
In part, they’d trodden upon this ground. However, there was a lot to be explored.
Jackson had a challenging time with the notion of being anything other than an athlete, but for some reason, Jackson had come to realize that there were other things that were important, and that Mollie was someone he loved more than football.
For the longest of times, Jackson had operated under the assumption that football was all he would ever be good at. Pretty much all his friends were either football players or football fans. His parents saw his potential at a very early age. It wasn’t that they’d never asked about his day of school when he was a kid… but they’d been a lot more interested in his football practice than his academics. It was certainly odd. Most of the time, things would be the exact opposite.
And even Madison wasn’t immune to it. She wasn’t a football fan, but a lot of her focus had been on football and how much money it would make them…
It wasn’t that Mollie didn’t care about what he used to do… he knew she did. It was just that Mollie was one of the few people who saw him as something beyond a football player. She saw him as a man. She knew him inside and out. The only things she didn’t see were the things he tried very hard to keep from her.
Now, however, Jackson could see that since he couldn’t play football anymore, and the woman he loved was at home in New York; that here was where he’d be staying.
That thought process led him down the path of what he wanted to get out of the relationship, and what he thought she wanted.
Because of Madison, Jackson was admittedly a bit jaded about love… but Mollie was starting to bring him out of it.
She was making him think of the future. Before she came back into his life, Jackson ent to bed dreading the next day and the day to come. Now, for a while, he still felt sort of the same way- even with Mollie nearby. But that was because he was holding on too firmly to the past and everything that had been taken away from him.
But now, all he kept thinking about was the future.
He realized that sure, he could date Mollie, and they could end up in bed together… but that wasn’t exactly what he wanted. At least, it wasn’t the only thing he wanted. He wanted to see where this went. He needed to know how serious Mollie was first- before he completely committed himself, but somehow, deep in the recesses of Jackson’s mind, he realized that perhaps it wasn’t marriage that was the problem, it’d been who he was married too. It wasn’t necessarily the fault of love, it was whom you loved.
Madison had been a mistake, he’d known that for a long time. Marrying her had been a huge miscalculation on his part. Instinctively, Jackson felt Mollie wouldn’t be a miscalculation.
So, he decided to lay his cards on the table and let them fall where they may.
Chapter 3
Mollie was stunned when Jackson asked her if she’d consider moving into his room, and eventually marrying him.
Things had gone from good to better. It was all a lot to process, however.
“This is a little fast, but I’ll take it.” she murmured. “When were you thinking of the second event taking place?”
He considered the matter for a few seconds. “Hmm… well, really any time. I mean, we should probably wait until the beginning of the new year… but basically, I know what I want and if you’re on board, I’ll buy a ring, and get the papers in order…”
Mollie’s shock rippled through her at an alarming rate.
“Do you think if I’d had the guts to tell you this earlier, we’d be married now?”
“Well, up until eight months ago, I was married to your sister… but barring that, and the accident… yeah… but the thing is, it would have been really unfair to you to have to take care of me when I was messed up. You’re too good for that. I mean, I know you would have taken care of me but still… I would have felt bad for taking you away from your work…”
Mollie took a breath. “Jackson, really… I know my work is important, and I love what I do, but a person, especially a person you love is always going to be more important than a job or a piece of property. You mean the world to me. You always have. And that’s even with the whole unrequited love aspect of our relationship… and all the complications. I know you are under the impression that the last two years of your marriage with Maddy, and the accident made you into a bad person… and that you were at your worst… maybe you were. But even in that, I still loved you, would love you. And if you were to go through something, God forbid- like that again, I would be there to help pull you out of it.”
Jackson nodded.
“Do you think marriage is something you want- forever?”
Mollie raised an eyebrow, a little surprised by the fact that he was asking such a question- considering the fact that she’d basically already agreed that she wanted to marry him.
“Of course. I don’t want a temporary thing… isn’t being together forever sort of the point? I mean, I know that your marriage with Maddy ended… but you didn’t like intend to only stay married to her for seven or eight years, did you?”
Jackson admitted that he hadn’t. “No, I thought she’d be my whole life, and that’s what I wanted… I just didn’t realize that the woman I thought I was marrying never truly existed in the first place.”
Mollie nodded sadly. “Jackson, when I say forever, I mean it. If I was truly here and now only, do you think I would have allowed myself to stay in love with a man I could never have for eight years?” this, she offered a slight smile to her, letting him know that while loving him for all those years had been hard. But she didn’t regret them. Not a one.
Jackson embraced her, and in a move which surprised her, Jackson picked her up and carried her to his bedroom. He didn’t make a move on her or anything, which was a bit disconcerting at first, but eventually Mollie got what he was trying to tell her. He was attempting to get across that he loved her and not just her body. He wanted to be near her and to share a life with her. Even though she was certain he eventually wanted to sleep with her, that wasn’t what tonight was about.
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