Since we’re still in the process of watching Hotel and we’re in the middle of an arc, I wanted to put a hold on the previous series until I can see where the status quo is at then.
So, it’s no secret that I like music and I like to drop song lyrics and titles in my random blog posts. So for a change of pace, I decided to do a post all about a playlist I made.
While this might not seem to have much to do with brainstorming, there was a lot of thought that went into this playlist, believe it or not. I not only picked songs which had a personal meaning for me, but I chose to pick songs which are complimentary to other songs on the list.
This list is on Spotify. I will link it here… It’s called Songs That Make Me Cry (Or Used To). Not the most clever of names, I know, but since not all these songs actually gut me, I felt I couldn’t use Songs That Gut Me as the title of the list.
So, what I’m going to do is go through the list and explain why I picked each song.
Tolerate It: Taylor Swift (Evermore)
So… this song… my gosh. I think the song is supposed to refer to a romantic relationship, however the reason why I picked it has more to do with the fact that it’s a story about being underappreciated by someone who’s supposed to love you. If you haven’t been there, then, that’s very nice and I am happy for you.
But chances are, you’ve had at least one person in your life who you tried and tried to please and all they did was tolerate you.
“If it’s all in my head, tell me now. Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow. I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it.”
And then there’s the iconic bridge, “While you were out building other worlds, where was I? Where’s that man who threw blankets over my barbed-wire. I made you my temple, my mural, my sky. Now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life. Drawing hearts in the byline. Always taking up too much space or time. You assume I’m fine, but what would you do if I… break free and leave us in ruins? Took this dagger in me and removed it. Gain the weight of you then lose it. Believe me, I could do it. If it’s all in my head., tell me now. Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow. I know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it.”
I related WAY too strongly to this song in a sense because I used to go all out for my friends, planning events and coordinating things for us to do… taking off work and spending money I didn’t have… counseling them and supporting them only to have them CHOOSE to not work on their problems (which had nothing to do with me, except for the fact that it caused the end of my social group and was pretty much all I heard about in 2013…)
Anyway, the lines, “lay the table with the fancy sh** and watch you tolerate it.” and, “I polish plates until they gleam and glisten.” also hit me too hard. I put a lot of effort into the friendship and our social outings.
I labored over place settings and menu choices like I was freaking Martha Stewart and they all said at the time how great it was, but after a while, with them sniping at each other, I was like, “why bother?”
And that brings us to another song…
Happiness by Taylor Swift… Yeah, I know. I swear there are other artists on this list, but this song ties in really nicely (unfortunately) with the last one.
“When I’m right down in it, all the years I’ve given is just sh** we’re dividing up. Showed you all of my hiding spots. I was dancing when the music stopped. And in the disbelief, I can’t face reinvention. I haven’t met the new me yet.”
Now again, I find it necessary to mention that this song seems to be about a breakup of a marriage because generally, when a married couple divorces, they divide their assets… Now, it COULD be about a dating relationship, but in my mind, it’s too mature…But, I can’t know what TSwift actually meant unless she tells us. SO…
I relate to it because it took me a long time to curate a group of friends. I had my sister, and my best friend. Then our childhood/ church friend- who was almost a brother to be honest. Then her best friend, and another friend from church and our school district who was the youngest of our group. We also had my friend’s husband who went along with us sometimes…
I’d never had a group of friends before and suddenly, I felt like the popular girl.
But as TSwift once said, “No amount of friends in your twenties will replace the empty lunch tables of your youth.” or words to that effect.
Another lyric that really stands out for the purposes of this list is the line, “When did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt?”
And, “After giving you the best I had, tell me what to give after that. All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness.”
For a while, I knew that the relationship was in trouble and I desperately tried to fix it. Because no one else was really trying. I cared. And no one was mad at me… So I read up on ways to mediate problems and even though it only was a band-aid solution because they were ultimately the people who needed to work on their problems, not me… it actually led to a lot of much-needed healing. So it wasn’t a complete waste of time.
Anyway, long story short… it was a bad time, but the worst part was the fact that after a while, they seemed to resent the fact that I was trying to fix things and mediate.
And all the things I tried to do to salvage the relationship began to make them mad at me… so I stepped away, and let things end. It hurt. But what hurt even more was when some time had passed and the storm had happened, and the main person the hard feelings were caused by sort of acted like there was nothing wrong. LIke she’d forgotten how much she hurt me and everyone else…
But luckily, it was just what I needed to stop caring so much.
Alright, so the next song is When You’re Gone by Hanson…
Hanson and I go way back to 1997 and they have been a constant in my life.
Now, truth be told, I don’t know exactly what this song is technically about…
They tend to have layers of meaning in their songs.
“my forehead is still bleeding from the thorns I used to wear. And I’m left alone and beaten for this cross I choose to bear.”
That is a metaphor which brings to mind religious imagery, which makes me think that they’re talking about martyrs?
“I’m left alone and beaten for this cross I choose to bear.”
I think in this context, they are talking about the struggle they were having at the time with their record label, Island Def Jam. And all that ultimately led to them breaking free and forming their own record label, 3CG which stands for Three Car Garage- get it, there are three of them, and they started in a garage? It’s also the name of their demo collection which was released in 1998.
Anyway…
“
Well, I just can’t seem to pity
‘Cause my heart’s too numb to feel
And the smile does all the talking
Though the pain is all that’s real
With the way that you keep screaming
I can hardly hear to think
And I feel the bridges burning
Underneath my feet.
Where do you go, oh
When you’re gone?
Where do you go, oh
When you’re gone?
Oh, how the road feels so long
But where do you go, oh
When you’re gone?”
Well, I finally found what I’m looking for
Though the road’s still long and the light is still far
But I finally found what I’m looking for
Well, I finally found what I’m looking for
Though the road’s still long and the light is still far
But I finally found what I’m looking for
Well, the voices fall like timber
And the fear it pours like rain
And my heart is crushed to cinders
Underneath this kind of pain
Well, there is no resolution
When the revolution’s dead
So I’m left with no solution
For the voices in my head.”
The thing with this song is that it’s just SAD. I mean, the guitars strumming are setting you up. You know it’s not going to be happy.
And that’s where I’m glad that I’ve seen their documentary, Strong Enough to Break (which is also a song on Underneath)
If you read the lyrics, they mention “I can feel the bridges burning underneath my feet.”
It’s probably not an accident that they drop the title of the album in that lyric- especially when it’s in conjunction with a song that is addressing why this album could have easily been a bit of a bummer… Of course, when I say that, just because an album is a bummer, doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It just means that you need a box of tissues, and a stiff drink afterwards… anyway.
“and the smile does all the talking, put the pain is all that’s real.”
I have, historically, been a really happy person… but I also go through a lot of pain. And since I am an INFP and I despise conflict and I hate to dwell on being miserable, I tend to smile and play it cool even when I’m in pain and my words feel hollow…
I’m not only reminded of what I said about my friends earlier, but I’m also reminded of the fact that I tend to cling on to things that I think will make other people happy and I really need to stop doing that when it comes at the expense of myself.
In the documentary, you see that they are really trying to make things work with the record label. They get advice from other artists, their management, their family… they try not to rock the boat and they work with the people they are asked to work with, but in the end, it still isn’t working and they are finally like, screw this… and they put their collective foot down and that’s the grand moment in the documentary’s soundtrack when the studio recording (not on any real album, just a song they have played on tour and put on The Best of Hanson Live and Electric CD) of Rock N Roll Razorblade begins to play. “Watch me. Watch me.” (IDK, you kind of have to be there)
Well, the voices fall like timber
And the fear it pours like rain
And my heart is crushed to cinders
Underneath this kind of pain
Well, there is no resolution
When the revolution’s dead
So I’m left with no solution
For the voices in my head.”
I remember them talking about how unresolved everything felt there for a while. But then they made the decision to face the fear head-on and do what they needed to do, which was leave the old label and take the chance. Create their own label,
Anyway… sorry to spend so much time on that, but since their lyrics can be highly metaphorical sometimes, I felt it necessary to do a deep-dive.
These Walls: Hanson
“A fair amount of disbelief, these walls are killing me
I donāt wanna be here anymore
Speak your mind or speak your peace, I swear weāre sinking deep
Well I donāt wanna find you on the floor
I donāt wanna be here anymore”
This song is off their album, Shout It Out.
Now, this song doesn’t SOUND sad at all. It’s mid-tempo, and the drums are a nice rhythm, but the song is about being trapped. Cheery, isn’t it?
They have quite a few songs that sound happy but aren’t. For instance, MMMBop. It’s about the fleetingness of life and how time flies by, so hold onto the things that are important because everything else will end.
“The sky is falling all over again, just another dayās conclusion, another disillusional night
The sky is falling all over again, am I losing my composure or way too much
Exposure to compromise
Well I canāt take all these walls, these walls.
You’ve been yelling up into the red, but you havenāt heard a word I’ve said
I donāt wanna be here anymore
Giving all I’ve got can be bittersweet, when you think everyoneās beneath your feet
I donāt wanna wind up on the floor
I donāt wanna be here anymore”
The sky is falling all over again, just another dayās conclusion, another disillusional night
The sky is falling all over again, am I losing my composure or way too much
Exposure to compromise
I canāt take all these walls, too hard to climb
These walls, I canāt take all these walls, you say theyāre too hard to climb, these walls
These walls, theyāre too hard to climb”
I relate to this because in 2013, I had the friend thing going on. I also was sort of at odds with one of my parents. I was living away from home, but it wasn’t a good environment because they were overly judgemental and I went from being the odd girl out to being the golden child, to being the difficult one that they couldn’t seem to fit into their convenient mold of what they thought I should be.
My grandpa was sick.
And I was feeling ill. I had trouble sleeping, I could barely keep food down. I was angry and hurt, and sad and hopeless. I felt like I had nowhere to turn… trapped by my life.
But finally, I was like, well… if I stop caring so much about pleasing the people I live with, and I leave, that’s one thing I can do.
So I did it..
A little less pain.
I decided that if my friends didn’t care about fixing their relationship (which would have been relatively easy if I’m being an INFP about it.)- then why should I. It was over.
As a lyric in another song we will visit later states, “Holding onto what is gone won’t heal it.”
I made that decision and I’ll be honest, it really, freaking sucked, but it was worth it in the end. Less pain.
Then, I had a talk with the parent who was mad at me and I said essentially that I was going to keep working, and I was going to keep trying to get my health back to normal (for me). I was going to keep working at my job and trying to look for advancement, but ultimately, I wanted to write and I wasn’t going to put it off just so that I didn’t rock the boat. I understood that I was making a choice that they didn’t like, but I was happier when I was writing… and if nothing else, I needed to do it for my mental health and they were just going to have to trust me that I needed to do that. They were going to have to deal with it and accept it because I was going to do it.
And while I’ve had some pitfalls and bumps in the road, here I am, writing.
Champagne Problems: Taylor Swift (Evermore)
So, this song really has no connection with my life other than perhaps the line, “Evergreen, our group of friends. Don’t think we’ll say that word again.”
But to be honest, this song is beautiful and just so, so sad. It’s a song about a failed proposal. But it’s also sort of a song about mental health… or being ready to take the plunge.
“This dorm was once a madhouse.”
I made a joke, “Well it’s made for me.”
And then later…
“She would have made such a lovely bride. What a shame she’s F***ed in the head.” they said. But you’ll find the real thing instead. She’ll patch up your tapestry that I shred.”
“One for the money, two for the show. I never was ready so I watch you go. Sometimes you just don’t know the answer till someone’s on their knees and asks you.”
I mean, I was legit SOBBING.
“Your sister splashed out on the bottle, now no one’s celebrating.”
“Your heart was glass, I dropped it. Champagne Problems.”
“You had a speech, you’re speechless. Love slipped beyond your reaches. And I couldn’t give a reason. Champagne Problems.”
Aw man, just stab me in the heart, Taylor.
But, it hurts good… so…
Next-
My Tears Ricochet: Taylor Swift (Folklore)
Now, this song, I mostly love it because I know how real it was for her.
She uses all kinds of death imagery to convey her points, and it’s, I believe, a metaphor for the whole old label and masters situation.
“We gather here, we line up weeping in a sunlit room. If I’m on fire, you’ll be made of ashes too. Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe- all the hell you gave me. ‘Cause I loved you. I swear I loved you, till my dying day.”
First of all, in the first verse she’s already talked about lining up, gathering in a room… which generally happens at funerals or wakes.
She’s talked about being on fire and of ashes. Which could suggest cremation… Or a viking funeral, but I doubt that’s what she was going for.
And she even says the word DYING.
Anyway… I just couldn’t resist putting this song into the list.
“If I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?”
Which this, I could tie to Closure off Evermore even though I don’t think that’s the intent. I say that because in the song, Closure, it’s about some kind of relationship that’s gone bad. And the person who did the hurting keeps reaching out to mend fences but it’s only because they feel guilty. And this person is like, “I don’t need YOUR closure.”
Ok, ,so this next one might be a little weird. My Tears Ricochet is a sad song. But this next song isn’t so much SAD as it is touching…
Another reason why you might think me mad for putting this song on the list is because it’s from a movie most people don’t like, and that is the 2017 Beauty and the Beast.
Yeah, I know.
It’s not a great movie and the cartoon is better, but if there’s one good thing to come out of it, it can be that the curse makes a little more sense… But for me, I would pick that it has the song, Evermore (and no, I don’t mean the one on Taylor Swift’s album of the same name… although I love that track and it IS sufficiently sad…
So this song is sung by the beast after he lets Belle go… and it takes the place of the song in the musical on Broadway called If I Can’t Love Her which I’ve never liked for some reason. I think it’s because the beast sounds like a whiny butt. And it’s like, “I get it, your life sucks because you’re a beast. And I get that you did a thing that could keep you a beast forever… you let her go… but dude, pull it together.”
Anyway, this song is just sweet.
“I was the one who had it all. I was the master of my fate. I never needed anybody in my life. I learned the truth too late. I’ll never shake away the pain. I close my eyes but she’s still there. I let her steal into my melancholy heart. It’s more than I can bear. Now I know she’ll never leave me, even as she runs away. She will still torment me, calm me, hurt me, move me, come what may. Wasting in my lonely tower. Waiting by an open door. I’ll fool myself she’ll walk right in and be with me for evermore.
“
I rage against the trials of love
I curse the fading of the light
Though she’s already flown so far beyond my reach
She’s never out of sight”
She will still inspire me
Be a part of everything I do
Wasting in my lonely tower
Waiting by an open door
I’ll fool myself, she’ll walk right in
And as the long, long nights begin
I’ll think of all that might have been
Waiting here for evermore
It’s just sweet. I can’t say much else.
Ok, this next one is called: Me, Myself and I by Hanson. It’s originally off Shout it Out, but the version I put in the playlist is actually from their 2018 project, String Theory where they worked with an orchestra to turn old and new songs into a symphonic work which tells the story of their career and what they want their legacy to be.
“It’s hard to see that you don’t belong to me and I gave you the best part of my life. Well, I tried to be everything that you want me to be. But I don’t have to give you reasons why when all that’s left is me, myself, and I.”
It goes on to say, “I’m not going to try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end. Here at the end of the road, I don’t really care who was right. I’ll give you the last words tonight. ‘Cause me, myself, and I will never be alone. We’ll find a way to get along. It will be fine when all that’s left is me, myself, and I.”
One of the earlier lines that really yanks my heartstrings is, “When I’m alone in a cold, dark room, well, there’s still someone that I can tell my troubles to.” and it goes into the chorus.
I mean, this song was pretty darn sad before the symphony got their hands on it, and they changed it from being just the lead singer, to having each one of them taking a verse… but good gracious, it’s sad. But it’s also hopeful. It’s saying that no matter what’s going on, and no matter how much pain we’ve gone through, ultimately, they have a way of coping, and that’s to write songs. And to share them with people.
And really, String Theory is a project which encourages the listener to move past things that hurt, and encourages them to follow their dreams, and not to wait for tomorrow because you just might have Tonight. (And yes, I quoted another one of their songs… which is also on String Theory, though it was originally on Anthem.)
To be honest, it’s the energy I need even if the song is sort of sad.
Moving right along, The next song is also a Hanson song, and this one is off their 4th album, The Walk (2007)
It’s called One More, and it’s a doozy.
I sit here by myself
Just staring into space
I thought I knew you well
Well who can ever say
It seems Iāve spent so long
I canāt define my right from wrong
One more for the night
And one more for the pain and
One more, long goodbye
And one shot to the brain
And one more takes the knife
And one more takes the train
Who do I name today?
A dream of better days
Has long gone by the way
Is there a better place
Well who can ever say.
It goes on
It seems Iāve spent so long
I canāt define my right from wrong
One more for the night
And one more for the pain and
One more, long goodbye
And one shot to the brain
And one more takes the knife
And one more takes the blame
Who do I name today
Who do I blame today
Nothingās over ātil its over
And if itās over I donāt want to hear it
Look into my eyes I told her
Holding on to what is gone wonāt heal it
It seems Iāve spent so long
I canāt define my right from wrong
One more for the night
And one more for the pain and
One more, long goodbye
And one shot to the brain
And one more takes the knife
And one more takes the train
Who do I name today
Who do I blame today?
Depressing, right?
Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya… (Because I love to quote Blank Space when I’m sad.)
This song is one of the reasons why while I love The Walk, I have to listen to it when I am in the mood.
“Holding onto what is gone won’t heal it.” is probably my favorite lyric… and boy was that a lesson I needed to learn.
Now, one thing is that aside from the basic gist of the song- which sounds like it’s about a breakup, this song is weirdly depressing for them… and to be honest, I don’t know what the “deeper meaning” is- I tried to find out with a google search, but I might just have to ask them someday if I ever could have a conversation with them… anyway… Let’s move onto the other weirdly depressing song on The Walk. It’s called Your Illusion and there’s more self-harm references.
So, I don’t know if they knew someone who killed themself, or if it’s a metaphor for something, but this song is depressing. (I kind of love it though because I’m weird. And sometimes, this is the easiest way for me to process sadness- listening to sad music.
I’m just going to post all the lyrics because it’s easier that way.
You say you want to kill yourself
It might make it just a little bit easier
You think you’re the only one who hurts
Try looking just a little bit harder
I don’t know why you’re holding on
To the damage that’s been done
‘Cause you’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to change your conclusion
But you’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying ’cause you’re busy wasting life
Don’t disguise your emptiness
By placing blame on me and everyone else
Protected by your safety nets
But you can’t put the heart of your fears at rest
All I feel is deep regret for what you have become
You’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to clear the confusion
But you’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying ’cause you’re busy wasting
I keep on trying ’cause you’re busy wasting life
You’re busy wasting life
You’re busy wasting life
I cannot go on this way
I bring no consolation for you and your pain
No one else can change your fate
You’ll have to do it for yourself
You’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to clear the confusion
But you’ve got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on dying ’cause you’re busy wasting life
You’re busy wasting life,
You’re busy wasting life, you’ve got me wrapped up
You’re busy wasting life, ’cause I keep on trying
You’re busy wasting life, you’ve got me wrapped up
You’re busy wasting life, and I keep on dying
So, I think the lyric I want to latch onto is: Don’t disguise your emptiness
By placing blame on me and everyone else
I kind of feel like this entire song is a metaphor for something else.
I think One More, and Your Illusion could be connected somehow. Basically, they’re both about having deep pain in your life and a person is dwelling on it when they could be employed in trying to cope and trying to get better, move past things.
When I put this quote, “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” I don’t mean, physically leave, as in, die. I mean, leave the emotional place or the mental health space, or to change the environment you’re in so you can get better and start getting back to normal.
Being positive doesn’t mean life is rainbows and sunshine. It just means you’re CHOOSING to make the best out of things even when things suck.
Anyway…
Onto the next track…
It’s Time To Go: Taylor Swift (Evermore)
“You know when it’s time to go.”
“20 years at your job, then the son of the boss gets the spot that was yours. We’re trying to stay for the kids, we’re keeping it how it is. We’ll only break their hearts worse. That old familiar body ache. The snaps from the same little breaks in your soul. You know when it’s time to go.
Sometimes giving up is the strong thing. Sometimes to run is the brave thing. Sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing. Sometimes giving up is the strong thing. Sometimes to run is the brave thing. Sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing.”
“Fifteen years, fifteen million tears, begging till my knees bled. I gave it my all. He gave me nothing at all, then wondered why I left. Now he sits on his throne in his palace of bones praying to his greed. He’s got my past frozen behind glass, but I’ve got me.That old familiar body ache. the snaps from the same little breaks in my soul. I know when it’s time to go.”
For one thing, since I knew how personal this was for her, it hurt me. But also, sometimes people are afraid to move on. But the best thing for them is to leave. It’s hard. But it’s not always bad to leave a place, or a person, or a situation behind. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck or that it isn’t scary, but you have to do what you have to do, ultimately.
Right Where You Left Me: Taylor Swift (Evermore)
Not gonna lie, I feel personally victimized by this song… But it’s ok, I think.
One of my worst moments happened at a restaurant and it took me a long time to move past it so…
“Matches burn after the other, pages turn and stick to each other. Wages earned and lessons learned, but I’m right where you left me.”
“Help, I’m still at the restaurant. Still sitting in a corner I haunt. Cross-legged in the dim light. They say, ‘What a sad sight!'”
“I swear you could hear a hairpin drop when I felt the moment stop. Glass shattered on the white cloth. Everybody moved on. I stayed there. Dust collected on my pinned-up hair. They expected me to find some way, some perspective but I sat and stared right where you left me.You left me no. You left me no. You left me no choice but to stay here forever.”
The song is basically about a girl who is sitting at a restaurant with her boyfriend and she thinks everything is good, but he tells her that he met someone else. And so even though she technically left the restaurant, she is mentally trapped there, unable to move on, and psychologically damaged, and people think she’s delusional because she is still holding out hope that one day the guy might change his mind and come back for her. And I’m like, “No, honey. No.”
Alright, so this is much longer thqan I wanted it to be, so I’m going to call it a night, but I plan on being back, right where you left me… which is not at a restaurant… but sitting comfortably on my bed in comfy clothes with my headphones on waiting for the white death to come down and bury us all. LOL just kidding. There IS going to be another snowstorm of sorts and everybody in Ohio seems to freak out when it snows more than a few inches at a time.even though that’s not uncommon for this time of year. Whatever.
I will see you all later. Hope this list didn’t depress you too much.
Cindy Says: Let's Brainstorm 
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